I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
