no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize