If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
