Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
