I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
