he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Will exercising make me less horny?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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