in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
