ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
