My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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