Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
