i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i think i have two assholes
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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