is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
