I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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