New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
