I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
