I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
