So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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