He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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