So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
