I'm pants shitting drunk right now
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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