break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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