eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
