It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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