We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
