Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The uberlube is also flammable
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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