At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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