I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
