Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Damn victory sex feels great
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize