mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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