Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
