I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize