If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize