I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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