Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
