there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
