I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Your cock deserves a montage
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
