didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
