I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
