I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize