nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She told me I should be a condom model.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
