Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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