do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
