I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
