I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
