I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
