I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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