I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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