dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
