FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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