i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
