Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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