this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
