I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
