if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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