Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
