Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
