Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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